Poorly Designed Furniture
Nevada, 1955. Mannequin in house 5,500 feet from atomic bomb test. Presumed dead.
Loomis Dean—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
Forgot the point. Anyway, I don’t know what I’m doing right now. This sort of stuff is all I can write. Stream-of-frustration bullshit. It leaves me more frustrated by what I can’t put into words but I still post it because it’s something.
I might fail English this year and I might have to go to summer school or stay back a year, in which case it would be good I told my colleges I was taking a gap year, ha ha.
It used to be that when I was doing nothing and feeling neutral I would hang out with my friends and feel awesome and happy. Now I hang out with them to not feel like shit and then I feel like shit afterwards because it all seems so far away.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
I discovered today that I have an intense hate for metaphors and similes. It doesn’t change my opinion of people when they use them; I focus my dislike on the metaphor/simile in question and despise both it and its’ purpose & meaning.
For example, I was feeling like shit a couple minutes ago and I was scrolling through my tumblr posts. I saw a picture of a neon sign that said “THE PRESSURE IS GOOD FOR YOU.” This made me feel a lot better, because I guess I figured that in a way my shitty mood would make me a better person or something.
Then I saw that in the corner of the neon sign was a little diamond. And I thought, “that makes sense, because diamonds are created through massive pressure on a lump of coal, right?” And then I realized that has nothing to do with me. Absolutely fucking nothing. If I were a lump of coal suffering from the incredible physical, literal pressure of becoming a diamond, this sign would make sense. It would remind me that someday, my current discomfort would bring me to my goal of being a beautiful perfect shiny little diamond.
I’m not a diamond, though. And, like, diamonds can’t read, so the sign was obviously meant for people. (I know that you know how metaphors work, I’m kind of working my way from elementary school English to a coherent semi-mature thought. [I don’t know why I feel like I have to justify my tangents all the time in these blog posts, if you didn’t care you just wouldn’t read them. It makes me angry at myself and at you. I don’t know why this happens. I’m sorry.])
I can’t relate to a diamond, why would someone expect me to? If I pretend that I am a diamond, and that feeling like shit will make me a better person someday, then the sign will make me feel better but I’ll be lying to myself, which is one of the worst things you can do to yourself, in my opinion. We’re not diamonds. The pressure is not always good for you. Sometimes we crack. Sometimes we lash out and hurt people, sometimes we kill ourselves, and if not for the pressure none of this would happen.
So yeah, the pressure could be good for you assuming you pretend you’re a diamond and don’t fuck off and kill yourself.
This isn’t what I meant to say. I know everything I’ve written here is wrong. The person who posted that picture shouldn’t feel bad, it’s a good message and it’s probably totally true. I know metaphors and similes are fine. But it’s okay to take out this pointless anger on them because they don’t have feelings and I don’t care and fuck fuck fuck
I don’t really write anymore.
I feel worn out. I don’t like forcing myself to create and I’ve stopped trying. I haven’t done any work in school in a month. I know that if I can pull it together for one month, I’ll be free to do whatever I want the whole next year. It just doesn’t feel important.
I want more than anything to not be tired anymore. It’s not a lack of sleep, although that hasn’t helped. I just wake up feeling exhausted every single day. Weekends drift by and I’m left with a vague sense of dissatisfaction at having accomplished nothing.
Then school comes back. I don’t mind school that much. I guess I would rather not be there, but then I’d be wasting time at home instead of with my friends.
I need to have a “near-death experience” or something
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Map of the Problematique
Muse (Does It Offend You, Yeah Remix)
